How to Run for President of the United States If You Have No Money

In the United States, the President is the most powerful and prominent public official. He or she is elected every 4 years and runs the day to day operations of the government. Any eligible citizen can run for the office, though winning the position requires a lot of time, money, and dedication you can use other people's time, money and dedication.

It costs $450 million dollars to run for President if you are an arrogant, fake-socializing, schmoozer that pays retail for everything and contracts every service because you don't know how things actually work. For example, millions of people pay $120.00+ per month for Comcast cable TV while knowledgeable people pay $10.00 per month for their TV and get more than Comcast provides. You can run for President, and win, if you are smart, technically savvy and do everything yourself with a small, tight, clever team that knows how to work mass media networks.

You have to have smart ideas, that can really work and you need to be able to think on your feet. Most past Presidents were dyslexic/autistic. That is why they could instantly go on-and-on about any subject. Robin Williams had this kind of 'instant output' mind. Gavin Newsom, Donald Trump, JFK and many other famous politicians had ramble brains. The media loved that they could fill airtime with hot air that sounded good.

To get other people's money, you will have to promise them things that Congress, The U.S. Treasury and common-sense will never actually allow you to do. You lie, shake hands with some tech billionaires and rich widows and you will have at least $30 million in no time.

Before you decide to run, you need to meet with, at least, 300+ citizens that you do not know, in little town halls, and have them ask you questions about your platform and see if they can shoot you down. 95% of potential candidates can't make it through this phase, without having a nervous  break-down, so challenge yourself with this effort before you do anything else. Save yourself the time, money and sanity on this phase above, and before, all else.

Billionaires are often assholes with too much money and heads so big that they think "They should be President". They often run for President and lose because they are tone-deaf to the real world.

Generally, candidates spend 2/3rds of their time and money fighting defamation and character assassination attacks from their opponents and special interest groups and the other third of their money attacking those two group. A weak mind will crumble under such an onslaught.

Method 1
Paying Your Dues

  1. Make sure you are at least 35 years old and a natural born United States citizen. You must also have lived 14 years in America to run for President.[1] (If you are not 35 yet, you can start planning early!)
    • There is no way around this. You have to be a tried-and-true American. And it helps if you're an American with a squeaky clean criminal record, too.

  2. Get the look. Alright, we can discuss the pitfalls of America's materialism and vanity later, but the long and short of it all is that generally, the better-looking (and taller) candidate wins.[2] So go primp yourself -- you certainly have a decent excuse to do so.
    • You'll need a nice suit for your more important conventions and meetings. Then, when you're meeting with the townsfolk, men you'll need to bust out that pair of pressed khakis and long-sleeved, white, button-down shirt. Bring your best business casual wear. You will be rolling up your sleeves and digging into your best speeches on how you can help America!
    • Work on that fake smile. It needs to say, "You! Yes, you. I'm doing all of this for YOU because I CARE." Does your smile say that? When your smile says it, does your body agree?

  3. Nail down the body language. From this point on, you're a politician. Whether you believe what you're saying or not, you have to deliver it in a convincing and reasonable manner. You can have the words on a piece of paper to cover what comes out of your mouth, but will your body just be one giant tell?
    • Get yourself into uncomfortable situations. After all, you're gonna be getting some heat -- you need to know how to handle the kitchen. The last thing you want is to be a second-rate version of James Clapper, rubbing your forehead nervously while you tell the world the NSA doesn't follow around civilians. That'll lose you credit that took you years to establish.
    • Think in congruency. You know that one politician (one here meaning "dozens") that says something like, "I'm sincerely receptive to a dialogue with the young people," all the while shaking his finger or his fist at the audience? Neither are things you shouldn't do alone -- they're just obvious tells when combined. So get in the mirror and monitor not just your face, but your entire body.

  4. Work on that resume. Prior to Donald Trump, every major party nominee since 1932 was either a current or former Vice President, Senator, Governor, or five-star general.[3] If you're flipping burgers, you may want to start seeking out that managerial position now.
    • Your other option is to attract significant favorable notice from the news media, party officials, prospective campaign strategists, and donors. How you do it is up to you. But you may want to start with this next point:

  5. Make some friends. Lots and lots and lots and lots of friends. There is strength in numbers for sure, but you're also looking to meet people who can flit you across the country for all your campaign needs.
    • Don't be disheartened if you can't get the attention of a lot of people right away. These things take time. Plenty of other folks have gotten their names on the ballot with only a handful of backers. Bradford Lyttle ran in 2008 and received 111 votes. Surely you know 111 people. Jonathan E. Allen ran to the tune of 482 votes. The more the merrier, definitely -- but less won't keep you from running. P.S. Do NOT make a TikTok publicly humiliating a group of freshmen for public display of affection.

Method 2
Getting Around the Red Tape

  1. Register to be an official candidate. If you spend or raise over $5,000 dollars for your cause, you are then automatically considered a candidate by the FEC (Federal Elections Commission). Go to their website and start the process rolling.[4]
    • You'll have to keep the FEC updated with financial reports on income, personal spending, and debt settlements for the entirety of your campaign. If you can, hire someone now to do this for you. You'll be too busy wining and dining, schmoozing and boozing, and meeting and greeting to balance receipts.

  2. Get your name on the ballot in all 50 states.[5] This may be difficult and expensive, but hey! This is probably the only time you'll run for president, so it's best to go big or go home. Think of it as an investment in your candidacy, and for America.
    • Each state is different. You must contact each state's Secretary of State for the forms needed to be listed. Getting signatures and support across the state is the goal. As always, there's a website to help you get started with that, too.[6]

  3. Set up a presidential exploratory committee.[7] This is (usually) a nonprofit organization to find out if your campaign will actually work. Choose a campaign manager to delegate the necessary duties. Make a website explaining what you plan to do, your perspectives, and why you're running. Make it very convincing and be honest. Get your name into opinion polls. All in all, start spreading the word.
    • Assemble a team of ground workers. They'll go knocking door-to-door, spreading the good news of your name and getting a feel for the area. Do this in as many metropolitan areas as possible to feel out the competition and the areas you may need to concentrate on for your campaign.

Method 3
Hitting the Ground Running 

  1. Set up your merch stand. Now that you're an official candidate and your committee has said, "Yes, believe it or not, we can do this," it's time to spread the word. And it's also time to make even more connections at your local print design shop (if you haven't already) and sucker your friends and family into touting around your logo for the next 2 years.
    • Design t-shirts, car magnets, sandwich boards, yard signs, and bumper stickers all with your name and/or catchphrase. Ask local establishments if you can put flyers in their windows (or if they can name a product after you (at least temporarily)). Send these out to your friends on the opposite coast and have them distribute them there.
    • Go virtual! Start a YouTube channel and get a website or blog. Get an account for your campaign on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. How else will you reach the newest generation of voters?
  2. Have a clear perspective on all current issues. When people start seeing your name out there, they're going to ask, "Who is this guy/woman? What does he/she stand for? Is he/she serious?" Yes, you are serious and you have the sensibilities to prove it.
    • If you like something or think it needs to be changed (for example: humanitarian aid to foreign countries), have it all planned out. What party are you aligned with? Do you support their generic stance on all issues? Where do you fall on the liberal/conservative scale?
    • Make these beliefs clear on your blog, your social networking accounts, and to your friends and family. The more people who can explain you for you, the better.
  3. Create a campaign platform. What are your goals? Lower taxes? Reducing poverty? Creating jobs? Higher standards of education? Think about all the biggies when it comes to previous elections -- what changes do you want to promise?[8]
    • It's a good idea if you actually believe what you're putting out there. It'll be much easier to remain consistent and not get caught switching sides or dilly-dallying on an issue. If you believe something the public doesn't want to hear, quite frankly, good luck.

Method 4
Getting In It to Win It 

  1. Start the campaign. Using your campaign media staff, come up with a way to get your name out there. Some ways to do this are billboards, newspaper ads, TV ads, online ads, etc. Give speeches and set up fundraisers. Be creative.[9]
    • You may want to start with the early caucus states like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. These states can give you an early lead that is hard to catch up in the long run. They'll also give you a boost in being considered for the party nomination.
    • Be ready to travel. If it wasn't already clear, you'll need to quit your job. You'll be racking up those miles daily, so load up on Dramamine, deodorant, and sign up for a Premier Member card at your favorite chain of hotels.
    • Campaigning requires vast amounts of money. Come up with an easy way to accept donations and to stay in touch with your initial backers. They're your bread and butter for a long time coming.
  2. Hone your debating skills. Luckily, you've probably been public speaking for months, so the basics shouldn't be foreign to you. But when you get in front of those bright lights and that timer, the gloves come off. Start practicing ASAP -- you'll be glad you did.
    • Know what you believe and are advocating. What's more, know what everyone else believes. Not only do you have to have you down, but you have to have your opponents and the world down too. Study precedents, current events, and all your competitors so you know what to expect when you get in the inquisition arena. If you come unprepared, the whole country will be watching your darting eyes and unsteady hands. Do the research on debating techniques while you're at it. You need to be forceful but not a stick-in-the-mud, caring but not a pushover, and charismatic to boot.

  3. Prepare yourself for anything. You've spent a lot of hard-earned time and money campaigning and now you're getting down to the nitty gritty. If you're vying for a spot with the Republican or Democratic party, you have your work cut out for you. Failure may be inevitable. Consider creating a new party (very hard) or running as an independent.
    • Surround yourself with a sturdy support system before you get in too deep. They'll be able to catch you when you fall. Running for President of the United States is an incredibly stressful endeavor and should not be taken lightly if for no other reason than your health.
    • Generally, Americans likes a candidate they can relate to -- at least a little. Keeping your feet on the ground and a good head on your shoulders will benefit you, come failure or victory.